Insane Analog

for posterity

every day i remind myself to be a better person that I was yesterday. at this point it might as well be my own personal dogma. do I succeed in achieving that goal? not every day, no. I don’t always make become better, but i reflect on the situation(s) in question and look for an alternative outcome, hoping to find the one that could’ve bred more productive results. that may not yield immediate gratification i want, but it at least lays the groundwork should the situation ever arise again. frankly, I’m ok with that.

the ultimate form of sacrilege for me is going backwards; totally disregarding everything i’ve learned through years of experience and advice to deal with a problem. that process never gives way to a constructive outcome— in fact it gives way to the exact opposite. and  unfortunately, I did that today. and it was truly awful.

i’ve never been very good at dealing with confrontation. i’ve gotten better during the last few years, but I’m still not at the point where I can comfortably talk about issues to iron them all out. I will listen to the other side of the story and let the other party express their grievance, but I am very quick to hop on the defensive, only admitting I was wrong if it’s clear cut and dry. but there are some times when I just cannot participate in the rectification; something in me just shuts down. not as in conceding, but just plain old giving up. I don’t want it to go on any longer and i try to bow out however I can, just to avoid talking about the situation any longer. we all have our limits and I thankfully know mine. so whether giving up is a sign of maturity or cowardice, I’m not totally sure. 

today I traded words with someone that I care about immensely. we were going at it for a while and she said some things that cut pretty deep. there were some things I cried foul on, and naturally, entire tirade only got worse as we both wanted to defend ourselves. after a few hours and god knows how many text messages later, I was done. i shut down and just wanted out of the argument as quickly as possible. i was angry and hurt. i could barely hold my phone because of what I read from her. she called me to try and get more out of me, but I had nothing else to give. at the point I was at my limit and i would’ve said some truly awful things, so I tried to get off the phone. eventually I did the unthinkable and snapped. i yelled and cursed at her, telling her to just leave me alone. I heard nothing from her end but stone cold silence and once I realized what I’d done, I hung up, turned my phone off and just stood in the middle of the street, shaking.

did I have a right to be mad? yes. did she have a right to be mad? yes. could the end result of the situation not being resolved had been avoided somehow? I’m not sure yet. but I do for a fact know that I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did. maybe hanging up on her before I got to that point would’ve been better, or telling her that I was on the bus and didn’t wish to talk to her right then would’ve worked, but who knows if she would’ve bought it. the hypotheticals are plentiful, but all I have is the memory me of screaming at her and the deafening silence as her reaction, and that is not the outcome either of us wanted. it was the worst possible way to end our argument and i’m solely responsible. the most disappointing aspect of this is that if the roles would’ve been reversed, she wouldn’t have ended it like that. so besides upsetting her, i know she’s just as disappointed in me as I am in myself, and that hurts far more than anything we said to each other.

so i’m writing this as a reminder to myself: do better. i’m not an angry person at all, so this event today is extremely out of character for me. she (Erica) has taught me a lot of things about maturity, handling various situations and people, and I’ve taken those lessons in and utilize them daily. i owe a tremendous amount of my own personal growth  to her and today I let both of us down. i probably lost a friend today.

today was a step backwards, Patric.

breakthrooooough

tonight I realized that i’m not a punchline rapper which made me sad because I WANTED TO BE A PUNCHLINE RAPPER.

i’m like a mix between a pusha t (!!), slug, and lupe (ugh) I think. more lyrical, concept driven storytelling.

slowed down my flow too. was having trouble recording because I get way too wordy and my lips are too heavy for my mouth to move that fast.

productive night.